The unopened Present
Recently I had the opportunity to share an experience in my
life that happened long before my cancer Journey. This time may have been over
shadowed in recent years by that journey, but seems to now be the right time to
allow the experience to come into the world and help others in similar situations.
Back in 2003 after being a mum to Philip. My Husband
Matt and I decided to have another child. To our delight, I fell pregnant and
the 9 months of sickness begun. A pregnancy of no complications, a healthy baby,
and a home being filled with Pink. We found out that we were to have a baby Girl
and named her Alice Mary Bourne. The excitement set in as we prepared to meet
our baby girl due in Early September 2003.
At 37 Weeks I had seen the Community Midwife at home, and
all was well, the following day I had a scan Booked at the local Hospital just to
check that all was ok. That day in the scan room we found out that our
beautiful baby Girl had died. In a space of 12 Hours for reasons that God only
Knows her cord had broken, and Alice had died inside of me. This sent a wave of
emotions, that I cannot even explain, and an experience that I do not wish on
anyone. The Hurt, the loss, the pain was so real, and how do you even try to understand
this whole situation.
After Giving Birth naturally, and keeping things very private
in having Alice cremated with no service and only Matt and I collecting her ashes,
we decided to rest Alice in our Local Church with a simple prayer and plaque.
How do you move on from this? How do you even comprehend
that one day you are soon to give birth to a healthy baby and then she’s gone. A
room already that had to be repacked and boxed up.
As you may have already read in my previous Blogs my Faith
is the most important thing to me and Jesus is the Centre of all I do. Even in
the mist of all this hurt and pain I choose to run into the safe place of
Jesus. It was Like God Lifted us up in a Place of Rest and Peace surrounded by
so much of his love. We felt like we were watching everyone else in this state
of emotion and chaos, while we were in a safe place of Jesus Love. Yes, we
cried, and mourned the loss of our daughter but it was ok. We would be fine
over time.
I was so pleased that I had named her before she was born as
it gave her an identity and as I only knew her in my womb, I could call her a name
and know her as living child. I just didn’t get to see her breathing in the
outside world but knew that she was just as important before birth as after
birth.
We have been very blessed, and God has given us 2 more amazing
children, James was born 12 months after Alice, and Grace was born in 2007. Our
Family was complete. I’m so thankful that James and Grace were born after Alice,
and that God always knew the bigger picture.
The only way that I can explain and sum this all up, is that
I have a present that I haven’t unwrapped yet, waiting for me in heaven. I get excited
that one day I will run, and hug Alice, have a good catch up off the life that
she has had with the father. I know when I sing, she sings, and is always there
cheering us on from those heavenly balcony rails in all that we do.
If you have experienced the loss of a child in whatever
stage of your pregnancy remember it is ok to have those days when it is hard
even as a man, it is ok to talk and mourn the loss of a child. Never forget
that you are not alone.
M x